Excuse Me, I Need More Gravy

With all this pressure to eat healthy, stay slim, and make smart choices with your diet through the holidays, I feel like I am getting jipped on one of the true enjoyments and pleasures of the season, FOOD.  Now I know the importance of healthy eating and exercise, but these flat belly experts take it a little too far during the holiday season. So skinny bitches, look out.  Here are some tips from a hearty ranch girl on how to enjoy your food through the holidays. 

#1 Drink PLENTY of egg nog. It, like Santa, comes once a year. Might I suggest adding your favorite whiskey?

#2  Test your Christmas candy before you ship it off to your neighbors! Make sure you get your fair share of Almond Roca, Caramels, and Fudge before you send it out the door.  It’s ALL about quality controll!

#3  When attending seasonal parties, politely ask if the mashed potatoes are made with skim or whole milk.  If made with skim, be sure to pass over, or at the very least, slap on some butter or gravy! Which brings me to number 4.

#4  Gravy enhances the flavor of many side dishes, and if the main course is turkey, we ALL know gravy is a necessity.  Those mashed potatoes were made to hold at least a 1/2 cup, so for the love of God, eat more gravy!

#5  Homemade dinner rolls are yet another of my favorite.  No whole wheat here.  Straight up white flour dinner rolls, slathered with yes, more butter, and some homemade jelly.  Move over, I need another!

#6  Ooey gooey sticky buns, cinnamon rolls, and other such delicacies need to be eaten fresh out of the oven! Don’t wait to see if there is any left over, and then say, ‘Ah, I only want a bite.’ Dig in, lady, and eat a whole one! Squats and aerobics are for the friggin’ birds!

#7  Beef or Bird? If you seriously choose some dried out old bird over beef, something IS wrong with you.  Prime Rib is not meant to have the fat trimmed.  Eat beef.  Horseradish. SALT & pepper. Load it up! It is your duty as a ranch girl to support the beef industry!

#8  No holiday is complete without dessert, and a variety!  The thought makes my corduroys sing with every rub of the thigh.  I love pie. Chocolate with REAL whipped cream. Berry. Apple. I have never met a dessert I didn’t like!

So, I’d rather not hear about, “I did so well this year! I didn’t eat anything bad for me!” Stuff a dinner roll in it!  Quite frankly, the holidays are meant to be enjoyed, so now that I have given you permission for a guilt-free, holiday smorgus board, eat drink and be merry!  Worry about the weight loss later.  Besides, isn’t that what the New Year is for?  Self-loathing, diet, and exercise?  I for one plan on enjoying every minute of it! Hope you do to!

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Shopping Made Not So Easy

Shopping during the holidays makes my ass twitch.  Literally.  The mere idea of entering a crowded department store, hearing Taylor Swift’s lousy Christmas song, “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, dah, dah, dah, blah, blah, blah!”, and seeing people argue over the one last fugly elf turtleneck blouse on the shelf makes me feel like the screaming, crying three year old on Santa’s lap waiting for their picture to be taken.  I can totally identify with that kid!  Shopping is supposed to be fun, right?  I’d rather suffer through a root canal or childbirth.  To make it even worse, we, as women, tend to drag it out over months and months.  “I wonder if Suzie will like this sachel and matching scarf?  Does Joey want an Ipod touch or an IPhone?  I’m sure my husband wants silk boxers with the cute little bow placed directly over his “package”!  This brought the thought to mind, “Why don’t more of us women shop like a man?”

Here is how women shop for the holidays:  We spend 6 months on the internet puruising our favorite stores, researching the perfect tool to get your man, planning, scrimping, and saving.  We exchange that sweater 4 times before Christmas, and make sure to include the gift receipt when given.  We enter EVERY store to make sure we get the best deal, and purchase A LOT of extra shit along the way, like matching wrapping paper, bows, and double sided sticky tape.  Christmas ornaments are half off, so we buy them just so we have them next year.  Our shopping is not complete until we have done ALL of these things!

Here is how a man shops:  They start about 5:00 Christmas Eve (in hopes that they can avoid Candlelight Service at church), go to Walmart, buy a case of beer, and a necklace.  They are home by about 6:30, realize they forgot the wrapping paper, grab the nearest paper bag, go to the shop and get their electrical tape, wrap it, and call it good.  They then sit down, crack a beer, and pretend to be asleep in their favorite chair by 9:00.

Men may be on to something, as long as none of us women expect too much.  They don’t seem to mind the lack of thought that goes into gift-buying.  I mean really, what woman doesn’t love to open a laundry hamper, ironing board, or turkey baster Christmas morning? 

So, in closing, let me sum up my holiday cheer with a little poem:

Don’t worry about the past,
You can’t change it.
Don’t worry about the future,
You can’t predict it.
Don’t worry about the presents,
You ain’t getting none!

Merry Christmas!