Shopping during the holidays makes my ass twitch. Literally. The mere idea of entering a crowded department store, hearing Taylor Swift’s lousy Christmas song, “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, dah, dah, dah, blah, blah, blah!”, and seeing people argue over the one last fugly elf turtleneck blouse on the shelf makes me feel like the screaming, crying three year old on Santa’s lap waiting for their picture to be taken. I can totally identify with that kid! Shopping is supposed to be fun, right? I’d rather suffer through a root canal or childbirth. To make it even worse, we, as women, tend to drag it out over months and months. “I wonder if Suzie will like this sachel and matching scarf? Does Joey want an Ipod touch or an IPhone? I’m sure my husband wants silk boxers with the cute little bow placed directly over his “package”! This brought the thought to mind, “Why don’t more of us women shop like a man?”
Here is how women shop for the holidays: We spend 6 months on the internet puruising our favorite stores, researching the perfect tool to get your man, planning, scrimping, and saving. We exchange that sweater 4 times before Christmas, and make sure to include the gift receipt when given. We enter EVERY store to make sure we get the best deal, and purchase A LOT of extra shit along the way, like matching wrapping paper, bows, and double sided sticky tape. Christmas ornaments are half off, so we buy them just so we have them next year. Our shopping is not complete until we have done ALL of these things!
Here is how a man shops: They start about 5:00 Christmas Eve (in hopes that they can avoid Candlelight Service at church), go to Walmart, buy a case of beer, and a necklace. They are home by about 6:30, realize they forgot the wrapping paper, grab the nearest paper bag, go to the shop and get their electrical tape, wrap it, and call it good. They then sit down, crack a beer, and pretend to be asleep in their favorite chair by 9:00.
Men may be on to something, as long as none of us women expect too much. They don’t seem to mind the lack of thought that goes into gift-buying. I mean really, what woman doesn’t love to open a laundry hamper, ironing board, or turkey baster Christmas morning?
So, in closing, let me sum up my holiday cheer with a little poem:
Don’t worry about the past,
You can’t change it.
Don’t worry about the future,
You can’t predict it.
Don’t worry about the presents,
You ain’t getting none!