Excuse Me, I Need More Gravy

With all this pressure to eat healthy, stay slim, and make smart choices with your diet through the holidays, I feel like I am getting jipped on one of the true enjoyments and pleasures of the season, FOOD.  Now I know the importance of healthy eating and exercise, but these flat belly experts take it a little too far during the holiday season. So skinny bitches, look out.  Here are some tips from a hearty ranch girl on how to enjoy your food through the holidays. 

#1 Drink PLENTY of egg nog. It, like Santa, comes once a year. Might I suggest adding your favorite whiskey?

#2  Test your Christmas candy before you ship it off to your neighbors! Make sure you get your fair share of Almond Roca, Caramels, and Fudge before you send it out the door.  It’s ALL about quality controll!

#3  When attending seasonal parties, politely ask if the mashed potatoes are made with skim or whole milk.  If made with skim, be sure to pass over, or at the very least, slap on some butter or gravy! Which brings me to number 4.

#4  Gravy enhances the flavor of many side dishes, and if the main course is turkey, we ALL know gravy is a necessity.  Those mashed potatoes were made to hold at least a 1/2 cup, so for the love of God, eat more gravy!

#5  Homemade dinner rolls are yet another of my favorite.  No whole wheat here.  Straight up white flour dinner rolls, slathered with yes, more butter, and some homemade jelly.  Move over, I need another!

#6  Ooey gooey sticky buns, cinnamon rolls, and other such delicacies need to be eaten fresh out of the oven! Don’t wait to see if there is any left over, and then say, ‘Ah, I only want a bite.’ Dig in, lady, and eat a whole one! Squats and aerobics are for the friggin’ birds!

#7  Beef or Bird? If you seriously choose some dried out old bird over beef, something IS wrong with you.  Prime Rib is not meant to have the fat trimmed.  Eat beef.  Horseradish. SALT & pepper. Load it up! It is your duty as a ranch girl to support the beef industry!

#8  No holiday is complete without dessert, and a variety!  The thought makes my corduroys sing with every rub of the thigh.  I love pie. Chocolate with REAL whipped cream. Berry. Apple. I have never met a dessert I didn’t like!

So, I’d rather not hear about, “I did so well this year! I didn’t eat anything bad for me!” Stuff a dinner roll in it!  Quite frankly, the holidays are meant to be enjoyed, so now that I have given you permission for a guilt-free, holiday smorgus board, eat drink and be merry!  Worry about the weight loss later.  Besides, isn’t that what the New Year is for?  Self-loathing, diet, and exercise?  I for one plan on enjoying every minute of it! Hope you do to!

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2 thoughts on “Excuse Me, I Need More Gravy

  1. Girl…you are too funny!!! That “singing corduroys” quip reminds me of something your Grandma used to say. 🙂 I'm gonna share your humor with my family, as I over-indulge, over the holidays!!! 😉

    Like

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