Head Up the Posterior? Check.

This is for my sister, Jamie, in honor of the many conversations we have about our ability to become spastic at the drop of a hat…

All of us crazed moms and wives at one point or another have opened up the refrigerator and found our car keys sitting on the shelf next to the gallon of milk.  WTF? you may ask yourself.  Here is how mine get there…

Well, it just so happened that on the way out the door to run errands, I realized the laundry needed changed over, and as I was reaching for the fabric softener, I noticed it was gone.  Leaving the laundry,  I went to add it to the grocery list next to the phone, when it rang.  It’s my sister, and as we visit along, I see cobwebs adorning my ceiling and every other nook and cranny.  So as I cradle the phone, I move the chair from the dining room table to stand on to clean the cobwebs, when I notice the kitchen floor needs swept. Badly. I move the chair, sweep the floor, and as I sweep past the dishwasher, the light is blinking green signaling clean dishes.  I better unload the clean dishes, because the sink is full of dirty ones. Broom propped, still talking on the phone, my cell phone blinks signaling a text, so I answer the text while talking on the phone, and it dawns on me that I need to check an assignment for college with my professor.  I am talking on the phone, answering a text, and logging on to my college website, when I see my stack of unread mail.  I open the mail, find the past due propane bill, next to the stamps I was looking for to mail the bill out yesterday.  Shit.  Still on the phone, I leave the computer half logged in, and go to fetch an envelope, when I realize I am out of envelopes.  I go to add envelopes to the grocery list, and forgot I still need to add dryer sheets, which reminds me, I never switched the laundry.  Back to the laundry room, I start to sort a new load of laundry, and dry the wet, still talking on the phone. OK. I have to pee. Sitting on the toilet, talking on the phone, I see that there is no toilet paper. Hmmm… well ain’t that special. Cupping the phone between shoulder and ear, I pull the last little shred of paper from the roll, making a mental note to change the roll when I get done. I leave the bathroom, forgetting to change the roll, and walk past my son’s bedroom noticing an unmade bed.  I make the bed, pick up his laundry, and see the past due library book. Can’t this kid remember anything?  I  pick up the book to drop off at the school during my errands, when I again notice a cobweb. Oh yeah…cobwebs.  Back to the chair at the dining room table, still on the phone, I reach to get rid of the cobwebs. As I finish the cobwebs, and put the chair away, I look at the clock reflecting the time of day. Crap. Day is half over. I tell my sister I have to go, so I hang up the phone. I see the grocery list next to the phone and think I better put that in my purse so I don’t forget it. Wait, where is my purse? My purse is in the car, which I think I left in the garage. As I walk to the door through the laundry room, I realize I never started the dryer. I start the dryer, head to the car, and as I walk past the dog’s dish, it appears he needs water and food. His food is in the garage, next to the car, so I get the dog food, go back inside, and notice the dirty dishes never got put in the dishwasher. I load the dishwasher, and reach for the soap, when I see that I am out of dishwasher soap. I better add that to the list. Wait… where is the list? Oh yeah, I meant to put it in my purse. Wait… where in the hell is my purse? Oh yeah, the purse is in the car. Out to the garage to retrieve the purse to put the grocery list in, so I can remember to not forget. I get in the car, and can’t find the keys. I look in my purse, which is a black abyss of receipts, fingernail file, pens, chewing gum, and 43 shades of lipstick. No keys in my purse, so I head back in the house to get… Wait, what am I looking for? Oh, the car keys. Where is my purse? Shit. The purse is in the car, for which I have no idea where the keys may be. Back to the car, to retrieve the purse, to add the grocery list, so I can remember to not forget. Holy crap… I need some caffeine. I go to the refrigerator to grab something to drink, when what do I find? Well hells bells, there are my car keys next to the milk… Go figure…

At the end of the day, I still forgot to mail the propane bill, purchase dryer sheets and envelopes, change the laundry, email my professor, and oh wait… Who is yelling at me from the bathroom?  Apparently I forgot to refill the toilet paper… Thank God I shoved my head up my posterior for safe keeping. Who knows where it will be tomorrow…

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7 thoughts on “Head Up the Posterior? Check.

  1. Hey Heather…, been reading your blog for a while now…, and after this piece I have signed on as a “follower” so I will be notified as soon as you post any new ones. Have enjoyed them all and I believe that you have a real talent. Right on partner…, write on.

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