Dude Horse

Dude horses are a special breed of horse.  It takes a special breed to do be a dude horse, and like most animals, they have very distinct personalities.  And they are also dumb like a fox.  Allow me to elaborate…

Dude horse is the one that avoids being caught first thing in the morning by pulling the lame horse trick.  He’s the one that ran in at full speed out of the pasture at the mere mention of a treat, but suddenly can’t walk in the corral when wrangler appears with a halter.  Wrangler, not buying his act, catches and ties him to the hitch rack.  Wrangler approaches with a brush, and dude horse flinches his skin in attempt to convince wrangler he is too sore to be ridden. When Wrangler saddles him, he turns around to bite wrangler in buttocks in order to further convince he’s serious, and upon walking behind him, cocks a hoof and passes gas in wrangler’s face.  Then, the said dude arrives for what will probably proceed to be a very LONG two hours.  This is when dude horse’s charade really kicks in.  The dude approaches to pet the “pretty girl” and dude horse smiles to himself, rolls his eyes back in his head, and proceeds to try to pull the hitch rack out of the ground. Dude screams and asks, “Is he safe to ride?”  Wrangler rolls her eyes, unties dude horse, nods her head yes, asks the dude to follow her to mount up, all the while silently cussing dude horse.  Dude horse then proceeds to hold his breath and bloat in order to keep his cinch loose. This comes in handy when dude tries to mount and the saddle slides clear to the side, further deterring said dude.  Wrangler glares at dude horse, re-centers the saddle, and sucks cinch up snug.  Dude horse adjust stance and smashes wrangler’s foot with his hoof.  Wrangler swears (again) and calls dude horse many, many names and helps dude mount.  Dude horse follows wrangler and lead horse out of the barnyard, barely.  Dude horse stops, and turns around to head back home, convincing dude he’s in charge, which he is.  Wrangler stops, turns dude horse around and proceeds down the trail.  Dude horse gets to water crossing and a little mud and leaps, dislodging dude and leaves dude hanging.  Wrangler re-centers dude, and proceeds down the trail (again).  Dude horse then lags way behind and smirks as the wrangler instructs the dude to give him a kick.  Dude horse kicks into a stiff-legged, short-strided trot and then stops suddenly to plant face in grass, almost jerking dude out of the saddle.  Wrangler swears (again) silently to herself. This cycle repeats until dude horse realizes he’s turned for home.  Dude horse trots more and eats less and almost bursts into dance when the barnyard is once again in sight.   Somehow, wrangler still loves dude horse at the end of all of this, because she can’t help but know he’s too smart for his own good.
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